I’ve been avoiding this one for awhile because it’s more than neckbeards who have “nice-guy” syndrome. Basically ANY guy who is friends with a girl has this common disorder when he thinks that girl, based on being supportive and friendly to her, should now be dating them. You see it occasionally in women, but girls typically get themselves friendzoned on purpose, and usually because they want it to be incredibly undeniably clear to a guy that there are no romantic feelings. Thus, we’ll proceed on from here with the assumption that the guy is the one suffering from this horrible affliction.
You may be asking, if it’s so common, why is it being discussed as a Neckbeard Spotlight?
Okay, take all of the nice guys you can think of, and remove the neckbeards. The first thing you’ll probably notice is that while they are all friendzoned, they are all quiet about it. It’s typically some other loudmouthed friend that reminds you that Derek is probably into you, and that’s why he picked you up at 2 am from your boyfriend’s house after that fight. Same scenario as before, but remove everyone but the neckbeards: ta-da! recipe for loud neckbeardy ranting. Neckbeards suffer from a special kind of “victim’s special” nice-guy syndrome. While all nice guys believe they are the nicest guy, neckbeards believe it further, but are less willing to be an actual nice guy. They are the hypochondriacs of nice guy syndrome.
A nice guy will drive you around, bring you flowers, talk to you when you’re lonely and then keep soldiering on, waiting for you to come to the realization you need to be with him… with a neckbeard, you get one of the three, and a sudden eruption of slut-virgin shame ranting when you don’t immediately get naked and have sex with the walking ground beef taco yelling at you. Like many other neckbeard characteristics, they get ideas from modern media, employ them inexpertly, and then wonder why it is not working.
Nice-guy syndrome is more of a cycle than it is a disorder. It always consists of three main parts:
– Objectification & Bargaining
– Rebuke & Denial
The cycle always starts with objectification. The nice guy sees a girl he likes, and breaks down the person into values. For example, if the girl is the head cheerleader, and you’re the captain of the D&D club, she may be out of your price range. But if the girl has the same interests as you, and you can at least carry on a conversation, then she is buyable; that is, you think you can win her affection, even if it is clear that she does not think about you in a romantic way. This is how every relationship starts out, but the nice guy actually does see the girl as someone to conquer or own, not to enjoy spending time with all of the time. That isn’t to say the guy doesn’t like hanging out with the girl, in fact they may both enjoy each other’s company.
In the neckbeard version of this stage, there is no “bargaining”, per se. The neckbeard considers himself to have the “finances” to own any girl; he’s obviously the best pick in the land! This “irrefutable” logic isn’t even broken when the neckbeard considers why he isn’t covered in women demanding constant coitus. Oftentimes, they are convinced that the women don’t know what’s good for them, and if the cheerleader or valedictorian won’t sleep with them, then they are just denying themselves what they really need or want. The bargaining that does occur at this stage is thus picking which woman will receive the gift of enlightenment (that is, which poor lady is gonna get the creep-on). The cheerleader is a “slut”, and the valedictorian is a “virgin”, so neither of them are often picked. The case is usually made for the poor girl doing average at work, or the nice girl who isn’t super popular and always has time to entertain but not engage on a neckbeard’s silly commentary on why Joss Whedon should be president.
Next is payment. For the typical nice guy, this comes in the all-too familiar form of offering rides, hanging out, small meaningful gifts and being supportive in general, without making it clear at any point in time that they are there to try to date you. You know, the point at which a woman typically thinks, “hmm, this guy is nice but doesn’t seem interested in being more than friends… so now he’s one forever!” Trying to change the game at this point is, well, pointless, because this is where the crucial mistakes are made. You would think simply asking a girl on a date and having her turn you down would take less time and be far more ethical than invading a girl’s trust. Tsk.
For neckbeards, this period is the rough and brutal stage. While a non-neckbeard takes time, does things carefully, and gradually builds up a security net out of the friendzone net they’ve been trapped in, the neckbeard actually does what a normal guy would; he tries to go on a date. But instead of being a normal date situation, the neckbeard has figured out the creepiest possible way to create instant romance. They’ll follow you to a party, and then wait for you to get drunk and make a move on your panties. Or they’ll offer you a ride… but not take you home immediately and have some long, euphamism-heavy talk about going back to their basement and enjoying some role-playing games on the way. Or, something I’ve been personally a victim of, the patented “You’re going out to eat with an actual guy friend, hey my mom gave me twenty bucks, I’ll buy you dinner” move and then get drunk on cheap whiskey he snuck in his trenchcoat to your apartment and claim that both of you getting naked and hooking up is part of the “date” you’ve been unwittingly pulled into, and then hear him gurgle all night on the otherside of your locked bedroom door… ewwww. It still gives me the creeps.
The good part is that it’s fast. They make the moves, one even more ridiculous than the last, and then they sit back and wait. And they wait. And they wait. Because they’re getting their ass restraining-ordered. Neckbeard nice-guys are so confident that their overt show of masculinity worked that they don’t even bother with long-term friendzones (which is just as well, since they often don’t even make that level). Eventually, if they are focused, they will occasionally check in, and since these will often be on the assumption that you are swimming in affection for their… whatever, their next goal, should they feel the need for it, is to show that they are, indeed, an important person. This is so that you feel inferior and will try to pursue them. You might already know it, of course *cue laugh track* but the lesson needs to be driven in. Get ready for the onslaught of texts about D&D, LARPing in the park, and getting drunk on warm beer in someone’s mom’s basement. If you’re lucky you’ll get the rare “dapper” (again, I kid) neckbeard who is convinced that mi’lady will be impressed by the slew of college ballroom dancing classes he’s taken, and that you’ll be swooning below his sweat-stained fedora’d brow soon, and hopefully in front of other witnesses.
At some point the neckbeard feels that they’ve done enough. They’ve shown you what a nice, caring, “biologically-superior” person they are. They’ve shared their opinion on sluts, cheaters, skanks, virgins, prudes, bitches, etc., and how all of them have somehow managed to miss out on the opportunity now given to you. And if you haven’t turned it down yet, this is where you take the chance the curb stomp it. For days to weeks, you been harassed by this smelly, pretentious asshole who is convinced you owe him somehow by just being a woman and him doing a “nice” thing. If you are actively seeking romance, this guy has probably gotten in the middle of those plans. You avoid certain areas, both private and public, on the off-chance that he might be there, and you would have to deal with him. And it’s a neckbeard, too; neckbeards are the kind of people who don’t think rape exists, and will sexually assault you with the notion that if it’s there, it’s meant to be taken advantage of. Any encounters where you are both alone is probably nerve-wracking, if not outright dangerous. So you give him all you got, verbally speaking, and try your best to shred his emotions right then and there. And I’m sorry to say it, but it won’t make a difference. This is still a case of nice-guy syndrome, and neckbeard level at that. It’s a cycle, not because a girl has never told him this, but because there is something mentally wrong there, keeping him believing that he’s done nothing to offend you (in fact he believes he’s played his cards well), and you are somehow flawed not to see that. You obviously don’t like “nice guys” and will only date assholes, so their time is ultimately not worth spending on feeling sad about the whole thing. Thus, the rebuke and denial part of the cycle.
In the vanilla case, the guy enters a stage of depression. This can last for either a short or long time, depending on the level of commitment put forward. This is where normal guys break out of the cycle, usually because someone or something finally gets the guy to realize that this is not how you get a girlfriend. The neckbeard enters a state of rage, instead. To them, the girl has wasted their time. You owe them, and if it isn’t going to be in the form of reciprocated affection, it’s, as my mom would say, going to get whooped out of you. Neckbeards thrive on superiority, so any failings you may have, or mistakes you may make, or anything negative that may happen to you will be massively appreciated by them. Instead of letting “things balance out” as we all like to believe when someone does something bad (and then something bad happens to them), neckbeards take a more active role. Most often it’s in the form of slut-shaming. If you go on a date with anyone else, you’re immediately a harlot, and everyone needs to know. If you get a new job, and he’s around, he’ll sit down and tell everyone something awful about you, regardless of whether it’s true or not. God forbid he’s a mechanic and you need your oil changed (which I doubt, mechanics are either old and crusty, or hot and sexy, and fedoras aren’t exactly allowed on the job).
Luckily, everyone is NOT under the spell of the neckbeard. Anything they say is not taken seriously (except by other neckbeards, and let’s face it, no one cares about them), so you just have to deal with it. Once you survive the rage portion (unfortunately not everyone does), then things will die down, and another neckbeard will step forward to take their place. The ultimate good news is that it gets easier and easier to tell what they’re doing before they go on rages. You can get to the point where you’ll easily nip this shit in the bud, and then be free to find some sexy mechanics to check the fluids on your car.
I should go get my oil changed…